Customer Service

The phone rings, I pick it up, "Hello?"

Nothing.

"Hello?"

Nothing.

"HELLOooooooOOOoo?"

"Oh! Hello," says the voice on the phone. I'm thinking - you called me, why are you surprised I answered? "This is Ari calling from the Completely Imbecilic Banking Call-centre. Can I speak to Michael Barrick?"

I briefly consider hanging up because it is never a good thing when the bank phones, and I'm not in the mood to hear a sales pitch about how if I spend more money with them they'll give me some "service" that ten years ago would have been free. But, on the off chance it might be something important, I bite.

"Yes. This is he." This perfectly correct English phrase never fails to give pause to people with poor or mediocre English skills because it is rarely used colloquially. "Is" is like an equals sign in math, both sides of the equation must match - you should be able to reverse the phrasing and still have a good sentence. "Him is this" doesn't work. The length of the pause generally gives a good baseline for how thick the person on the other end of the phone is.

After a very long pause, "Umm.. I'm calling about your Visa card." I have three with this bank, but I don't press her on which one just yet. "Because this involves banking information could I please have your middle initial and postal code to verify your identity."

Now I think, I use my full name on just about everything. My middle initial is no secret. Likewise my address is in the phone book, again no big secret. This may confirm who I am to them only by virtue of this sort of thing would be had to get right on the spot, but it does nothing to prove to me that I am speaking to the bank. But, as these things are no secret,"R, V6E 3J5."

"Oh, that's not the postal code I have on record. I have V7J 3C5. Is that old?"

So I've failed the secret bank identity quiz, I think. Now what? Apparently nothing... that inspires confidence.

"Yes, months old. I changed my address with you months ago." In fact what she read to me was my postal code from North Vancouver. I've actually changed my address with this bank twice since then. The address she has is almost a year out of date.

"Hold on a sec," she says. "Oh, yes. I see your new address. 1201 W. Georgia?"

"Yes. I changed my address with you months ago."

"I'm calling to let you know that you are a month behind on your Visa payment," she says. "Our records show that this is unusual for you. Is there a problem?" Implying what? That if I regularly missed payments on my Visa you wouldn't be bugging me? Thanks, I'll make note of that: 'bank does not want me to pay Visa on time.'

"Yes there is a problem. I changed my address months ago. Obviously you sent the statement to the wrong address."

"Well, nothing was returned to us," is her excuse. Irrelevant. Nothing would need be returned if it were sent to the correct address. Apparently, in the bank's view, receiving my statement is dependant on changing my address, having them send it to the wrong address, having whoever might be at that address return the statement rather than throwing it in the garbage, and Canada Post returning it to the bank, and someone at the bank noticing it and correcting the error - all within a month.

"But clearly you have my correct address. You read it to me."

"You should have called when you didn't get your statement," she says. So now it is my fault. That's the state of customer service today: blame the customer for the mistake, cover your ass, keep your job. Whereas, like most people, I get the bill, I pay it - The rest of the month I don't think about it much. Having just paid my other bills I was beginning to wonder where the statement was, but I wasn't fretting over it enough to call the bank. "Otherwise you run the risk of having your interest rate increased," she threatens. Now I'm being threatened to be penalized for their mistake. Another fine bit of customer service. No "We're sorry, sir. Obviously we have made an error. We'll correct that right away." Nope, instead I effectively get, "We are not responsible for our errors and will charge you for failing to correct them for us." It's a kind of negative-billing, that is, the ploy where extra "services" are dumped in your lap and unless you go out of your way to say you don't want them you start getting billed for them. Rogers Cablesystems got in a lot of hot water for that a few years ago.

"What do I owe?" I ask.

"You currently have an overdue balance of $X. Your next amount due on the 9th of August will by $Y, making the total outstanding balance $Z," she goes on.

"Fine. I'll put $X on it right away. How come my address was not changed when you clearly have my correct address?"

"I'll make a note of that on your record. When will you be able to pay.."

"I'll make the payment right away. How come my address was not changed when you clearly have my correct address?"

"I have, like, five screens here..." she says, again making excuses instead of apologizing for the error and correcting it.

"I'll make the payment right away. You can fix your own mistakes and send me a statement. Thank you. Good-bye," and I hang up on her.

Five minutes later I have put the money on the card via on-line banking. I wonder if my address has been changed yet?

It was also pointed out to me by Elaine, who overheard the call, that if they did not have my correct address, how did they have my correct phone number?